one liners

Someone used the term, "Get out of jail free card," here at work. I don't know what that means.

April is my month to attend the 7:30 meetings. So far I'm 0 - 2. I hope no one finds out.

A girl at the ski shop told me my skis were beautiful. I told her she was beautiful.

Why is sarcasm so hard to read when in the form of text?

I asked the painter at out apartment if black was the presence or absence of all color. He didn't speak any English.

I'm supposed to be working right now. I'm blogging right now.

So far this week two people have walked out of the stall without flushing. They must have had false alarms.

I suggested "Like a Virgin" by Madonna and "Area Codes" by Ludacris to be played at my friend's wedding reception.

NASA retiring the shuttle will cost us 2,300 jobs. I'm not scared, McDonald's is hiring.

Weight lifting is heavy.

Why is it called a cookie cake? Doesn't look like a cake, just a giant cookie.

Someone told me today, "I thought you were cool". I just shrugged it off.

If I don't write my password down somewhere I'll forget it. So I post it noted it to my monitor.

I think someone just farted.

I always offer the girl at my office meat from my lunch. She's a vegetarian.

Chinese food is not meant to be eaten after a microwave visit.

I'm glad it's April. That month has a better picture on the calendar.

This was the stupidest idea for a blog ever.

What U.S. president advised: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"?

Last entry's answer was Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa both did it in 1998-1999.

blind date

When walking the halls at work, there is always a pressing question lingering around in my head. Do I make eye contact or not? Most of the time the people here just stare at the floor. If they're not, I'll look at them and then glance around at other random stuff and bring the eye contact back just before our passing. If we make a connection, then what? Do I give a nod or a "hey"? This is the hardest part of my day.

Is a 32 year old woman too old for a 23 year old boy? Don't worry friends, it's not for me.

I sat by a girl at the baseball game on Saturday. The sun was hot that day. We had conversation. She thought the word 'balk' was a dirty word. After I explained to her what it was we proceeded to discuss other words that we thought were dirty. In the end we realized that I was the kid in middle school that didn't know the meanings of dirty words and she was the cool kid who knew every meaning. She probably still thought I was uncool.

I just saw two ducks fighting in the pond outside. Did I really need to say outside? Two were fighting and another was trying to break them up or either taking advantage of some cheap shots on the second one.

I didn't get a cookie cake. Someone girl did bring rice crispy treats and some small pumpkin cookies that were awesomely good. But no cookie cake. You should've seen the sadness on my face.

The baseball season has started! Gotta get my tickets asap. I once put myself in hot water for using the term "asap". Let me start over...The baseball season has started. Gotta get my tickets soon. Only field level seats for me. I plan on catching 17 foul balls this year. First, I have to get an Astros t-shirt. I feel like a total dork for wearing green, blue stripes, or orange shirts to the games.

While driving home yesterday the roommate slept. I tried to hit every bump in the road. Didn't want to ride the loud bumps on the side of the road because those are too obvious. By hitting real bumps it's not only loud but uncomfortable while trying to sleep.

Who was the first National Leaguer to hit 50 home runs in two consecutive seasons?

Last entry's answer was athlete's foot.

take that wednesday

Friday I leave for Starkville, Mississippi, home of Mississippi State University. I'm expecting my friends from way back when to get a cookie cake for me. I would prefer a giant cookie over a cake because I didn't get one on my last birthday. I was pretty bummed and have yet to recovered from the let down.

Tonight I go to the Rockets game. I'm more or less an apathetic fan but I wear the tshirt anyways.

Whenever I eat my orange at my desk I purposely save some of the peelings. With the left over peelings I squeeze them to spread a gorgeous aroma around my desk. It makes my hands really sticky.

Party Pants Friday has been moved to Thursday due to the trip that is occurring on Friday. I will not be wearing any pants on Friday at all.

I was walking up the stairs, well, because it's better for me and the elevator is too slow. I'm a fast one, nothing slow about this guy. So anyways, there were a couple of older guys behind me and being the gentleman that I am, I held the door. Guy number two was pretty confused with Guy number one's exit of the stairwell. "Where are you going?" "Oh, I just like to break up the stairs." The stairs at NASA are steep.

That was probably the worst story anyone could ever share.

I think Juicy from work is a liar. She told me that she saw a man outside Building 1 smoking with his toes. Toes? I mean come on. If I'm going to tell a lie, I'd at least make it a little more believable than that. But she didn't stop there. She involved another coworker. She said that the coworker in the corner said that smoker man lives in his neighborhood and drives a van with his toes. This is crazy. "His foot was propped up on his knee and he was puffing away..older guy dressed professionally with black suit and all." Those grammatical errors in the quotes are ones Juicy made.

I'm pretty much dominating here at work. 10 hour days have become a breeze. 6:30-4:30, piece of cake. Ok, I lied. I'm getting no sleep at night, waking up at 5:30 pretty much blows, and why the heck are so many people leaving downtown at 6:00 in the morning. The traffic is not better. I'm pretty sure my car is a giant magnet that attracts crappy, slow drivers. Probably people driving with their toes.

I hope at least one person holds their breath that I come back safely on Sunday.

Ok, as I was blurting about the lies that Juicy tells someone else chimed in to say that he saw some some guy in the cafeteria eating with his toes. He gave his impression of a guy with no arms and said he was just eating with a fork between his toes. This could be the second time ever that I didn't believe someone and called them a liar. I'm sorry world.

What's the itchy skin condition tinea pedis better known as?

Last entry's answer was ozone.

monday mornings are never a blast

The cereal bars that I eat get crumbs everywhere. Such a pain in the buttocks but I deal with it. The only good to come of this is being able to use the can of air. The can with the WD-40 straw used to blow off the keyboard. I usually blow a lot of air out so it's cold with frost on the side and then hand it to someone else. Never seem to get the reaction that I had planned in my head.

Last night I read the proper procedure om how to remove a tongue stuck to a flag pole. Too bad I don't live in a climate region where this information would be useful.

I'm thinking about buying a bb gun to keep around the apartment. It will serve dual purposes. The first and most important being safety. The second and almost equally important being recreation. Suspenders never will send me pictures of the 12 gauge shotgun that he's selling so I'll just settle for a bb gun this month.

Traffic wasn't bad at 6 'freakin' a.m. this morning.

There was some new lady working in the cafeteria today. I'll never have her make me a sandwich again. If I'm next in line and she's working, I'll pretend I'm deaf or walk away. She totally screwed up my muffalleta. The wimpy part about it was that I watched her. I knew she was supposed to use olives but instead, I watched her put some reddish colored stuff on it. I cringed. Got back to my desk to discover that the reddish contents were onions. That's pretty much gross and uncool. I told someone about my sandwich ordering experience and she told me I was "lacking in assertion." I wish I would've called her out on some flaws for telling me that, but I didn't.

I told some girl twice today that I watched Into the Wild this weekend.

Some guy was walking down the hall with a very important look on his face. Not only did he look like he had some important news but he was in a pace that was halfway between walk and jog. I didn't want to make a scene or get hurt so I moved over and let him have the right side of the hall. As I turned around I soon realized what was so important. He darted into the restroom.

I'm being dominated at sports trivia on the third floor. It's getting to the point where it's very embarrassing.

What O-word describes oxygen with molecules that have three atoms instead of two?

Last entry's (two entries ago) answer was Hank Aaron.

no more dancing for this boy

77-74 Memphis. I almost cried. Probably wasn't a wise idea for me to shave my lucky beard and wear this stupid yellow long sleeve tshirt. Goah! I'm burning up in here! Sorry for yelling.

Turning in my two left feet for some bats and balls.

Be back someday. Monday or Tuesday. We'll see how traffic is.

Thanks for the good season Bulldogs!

sleeping for the money

I promise to be short today. It's Friday.

The tournament has begun already. Thank goodness no one else in my group knows how to pick winners. I'm on top. Sort of.

Yesterday afternoon someone announced food up stairs so high tailed it out of my little office area for a little snack. I knew that Suspenders was at his desk, probably playing checkers or Tetris, so I didn't want to bother him with the good news. As I was walking out of the area I glanced in that direction to be nosy and compare my work ethics to his. Well, his computer was off, did he leave? Oh, wait a minute, he's taking a little break to visit the dream fairy. He was out cold, chin on chest, breathing hard, pasted out sleeping. Apparently he had been sleeping long enough that his computer even went into sleep mode itself. Did I wake him? Nope. I paused for an opportunity to chuckle, then continued the mini quest. On my way upstairs I enjoyed the short walk while laughing to myself like a little kid. I informed the rest of the crew and shared some nice laughs. One girl asked if he was dead though.

Mississippi State plays tonight. According to my "Go Dawgs" bracket, they're going to win the National Championship by 4 points. Go Dawgs!

Spring is here. Tomorrow we're eating crawfish. I have a bet with the roommate that I can eat more than him. He bet on me too.

I promise to never use the term, dream fairy, ever again.

Today, I wore a white polo without tucking it into my pants. Yesterday, I wore a grey polo and tucked it into my pants. That's the difference between Lame Thursday and Party Pants Friday.

Who hit into the most double plays in their career?

Last entry's answer was Houston.

poof

It's tourney time! More than half of my day at work for the next few days will go towards researching teams in the first round. It is mandatory that I win my group. Last night was the first time ever that I have talked smack and said a dirty word. Ok, I made that up. I never say dirty words.

I did stuff this past weekend.

This morning I decided to test myself and determine just how deep of sleep I can put myself into. At about 10:10 am the test was finally wrapped up and graded. Well, I passed with an A+. The boss gave me a F and some random person coming back from lunch gave me a C. That should average out to be a C. That's passing.

The old guy with the loop earring at the skip shop shook my hand again. Went to drop my skis off for the summer wax and wanted to chat about Wolf Creek. I told him they had snow. We concluded the 46 second conversation with handshake. He made me feel like a real man. My last sentence made me feel like a school boy.

Went to the antique store. Bought some old albums. The Charlie Daniels Band, Seals and Croft, The Marshall Tucker Band, and Bread to be exact. Framed the album covers in special frames. Hung the framed albums on my wall in the shape of a square.

Some kid in the passenger seat of a Scion stared me down this morning.

Last week I excited myself so much that I had to text my friend and tell her. I beat a song on hard on Guitar Hero. My fingers have never hurt so much. Ever. I've never felt like a dork so much either.

Gob: So, did you see the new Poof?
Michael: [quickly shutting the door] His name’s Gary. And we don’t need any more lawsuits, okay?
Gob: No, I was talking about the magazine... Wait. Gary's gay? Uh-oh. He's gonna think I was coming on to him..

[flashback to earlier that day]

Gob: [to Gary] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [watching Gary climbing to reach a shelf] I'd kill for that ass.
Gob: [with Gary sitting on him in the chair] ok, the chair's not doing it now, but whenever I...
-Arrested Development

• I didn't proof read.
  

What American city produces most of the egg rolls sold in grocery stores in the United States?

Last entry's answer was peas.