Monday, March 31, 2008

blind date

When walking the halls at work, there is always a pressing question lingering around in my head. Do I make eye contact or not? Most of the time the people here just stare at the floor. If they're not, I'll look at them and then glance around at other random stuff and bring the eye contact back just before our passing. If we make a connection, then what? Do I give a nod or a "hey"? This is the hardest part of my day.

Is a 32 year old woman too old for a 23 year old boy? Don't worry friends, it's not for me.

I sat by a girl at the baseball game on Saturday. The sun was hot that day. We had conversation. She thought the word 'balk' was a dirty word. After I explained to her what it was we proceeded to discuss other words that we thought were dirty. In the end we realized that I was the kid in middle school that didn't know the meanings of dirty words and she was the cool kid who knew every meaning. She probably still thought I was uncool.

I just saw two ducks fighting in the pond outside. Did I really need to say outside? Two were fighting and another was trying to break them up or either taking advantage of some cheap shots on the second one.

I didn't get a cookie cake. Someone girl did bring rice crispy treats and some small pumpkin cookies that were awesomely good. But no cookie cake. You should've seen the sadness on my face.

The baseball season has started! Gotta get my tickets asap. I once put myself in hot water for using the term "asap". Let me start over...The baseball season has started. Gotta get my tickets soon. Only field level seats for me. I plan on catching 17 foul balls this year. First, I have to get an Astros t-shirt. I feel like a total dork for wearing green, blue stripes, or orange shirts to the games.

While driving home yesterday the roommate slept. I tried to hit every bump in the road. Didn't want to ride the loud bumps on the side of the road because those are too obvious. By hitting real bumps it's not only loud but uncomfortable while trying to sleep.

Who was the first National Leaguer to hit 50 home runs in two consecutive seasons?

Last entry's answer was athlete's foot.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

take that wednesday

Friday I leave for Starkville, Mississippi, home of Mississippi State University. I'm expecting my friends from way back when to get a cookie cake for me. I would prefer a giant cookie over a cake because I didn't get one on my last birthday. I was pretty bummed and have yet to recovered from the let down.

Tonight I go to the Rockets game. I'm more or less an apathetic fan but I wear the tshirt anyways.

Whenever I eat my orange at my desk I purposely save some of the peelings. With the left over peelings I squeeze them to spread a gorgeous aroma around my desk. It makes my hands really sticky.

Party Pants Friday has been moved to Thursday due to the trip that is occurring on Friday. I will not be wearing any pants on Friday at all.

I was walking up the stairs, well, because it's better for me and the elevator is too slow. I'm a fast one, nothing slow about this guy. So anyways, there were a couple of older guys behind me and being the gentleman that I am, I held the door. Guy number two was pretty confused with Guy number one's exit of the stairwell. "Where are you going?" "Oh, I just like to break up the stairs." The stairs at NASA are steep.

That was probably the worst story anyone could ever share.

I think Juicy from work is a liar. She told me that she saw a man outside Building 1 smoking with his toes. Toes? I mean come on. If I'm going to tell a lie, I'd at least make it a little more believable than that. But she didn't stop there. She involved another coworker. She said that the coworker in the corner said that smoker man lives in his neighborhood and drives a van with his toes. This is crazy. "His foot was propped up on his knee and he was puffing away..older guy dressed professionally with black suit and all." Those grammatical errors in the quotes are ones Juicy made.

I'm pretty much dominating here at work. 10 hour days have become a breeze. 6:30-4:30, piece of cake. Ok, I lied. I'm getting no sleep at night, waking up at 5:30 pretty much blows, and why the heck are so many people leaving downtown at 6:00 in the morning. The traffic is not better. I'm pretty sure my car is a giant magnet that attracts crappy, slow drivers. Probably people driving with their toes.

I hope at least one person holds their breath that I come back safely on Sunday.

Ok, as I was blurting about the lies that Juicy tells someone else chimed in to say that he saw some some guy in the cafeteria eating with his toes. He gave his impression of a guy with no arms and said he was just eating with a fork between his toes. This could be the second time ever that I didn't believe someone and called them a liar. I'm sorry world.

What's the itchy skin condition tinea pedis better known as?

Last entry's answer was ozone.

Monday, March 24, 2008

monday mornings are never a blast

The cereal bars that I eat get crumbs everywhere. Such a pain in the buttocks but I deal with it. The only good to come of this is being able to use the can of air. The can with the WD-40 straw used to blow off the keyboard. I usually blow a lot of air out so it's cold with frost on the side and then hand it to someone else. Never seem to get the reaction that I had planned in my head.

Last night I read the proper procedure om how to remove a tongue stuck to a flag pole. Too bad I don't live in a climate region where this information would be useful.

I'm thinking about buying a bb gun to keep around the apartment. It will serve dual purposes. The first and most important being safety. The second and almost equally important being recreation. Suspenders never will send me pictures of the 12 gauge shotgun that he's selling so I'll just settle for a bb gun this month.

Traffic wasn't bad at 6 'freakin' a.m. this morning.

There was some new lady working in the cafeteria today. I'll never have her make me a sandwich again. If I'm next in line and she's working, I'll pretend I'm deaf or walk away. She totally screwed up my muffalleta. The wimpy part about it was that I watched her. I knew she was supposed to use olives but instead, I watched her put some reddish colored stuff on it. I cringed. Got back to my desk to discover that the reddish contents were onions. That's pretty much gross and uncool. I told someone about my sandwich ordering experience and she told me I was "lacking in assertion." I wish I would've called her out on some flaws for telling me that, but I didn't.

I told some girl twice today that I watched Into the Wild this weekend.

Some guy was walking down the hall with a very important look on his face. Not only did he look like he had some important news but he was in a pace that was halfway between walk and jog. I didn't want to make a scene or get hurt so I moved over and let him have the right side of the hall. As I turned around I soon realized what was so important. He darted into the restroom.

I'm being dominated at sports trivia on the third floor. It's getting to the point where it's very embarrassing.

What O-word describes oxygen with molecules that have three atoms instead of two?

Last entry's (two entries ago) answer was Hank Aaron.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

no more dancing for this boy

77-74 Memphis. I almost cried. Probably wasn't a wise idea for me to shave my lucky beard and wear this stupid yellow long sleeve tshirt. Goah! I'm burning up in here! Sorry for yelling.

Turning in my two left feet for some bats and balls.

Be back someday. Monday or Tuesday. We'll see how traffic is.

Thanks for the good season Bulldogs!

Friday, March 21, 2008

sleeping for the money

I promise to be short today. It's Friday.

The tournament has begun already. Thank goodness no one else in my group knows how to pick winners. I'm on top. Sort of.

Yesterday afternoon someone announced food up stairs so high tailed it out of my little office area for a little snack. I knew that Suspenders was at his desk, probably playing checkers or Tetris, so I didn't want to bother him with the good news. As I was walking out of the area I glanced in that direction to be nosy and compare my work ethics to his. Well, his computer was off, did he leave? Oh, wait a minute, he's taking a little break to visit the dream fairy. He was out cold, chin on chest, breathing hard, pasted out sleeping. Apparently he had been sleeping long enough that his computer even went into sleep mode itself. Did I wake him? Nope. I paused for an opportunity to chuckle, then continued the mini quest. On my way upstairs I enjoyed the short walk while laughing to myself like a little kid. I informed the rest of the crew and shared some nice laughs. One girl asked if he was dead though.

Mississippi State plays tonight. According to my "Go Dawgs" bracket, they're going to win the National Championship by 4 points. Go Dawgs!

Spring is here. Tomorrow we're eating crawfish. I have a bet with the roommate that I can eat more than him. He bet on me too.

I promise to never use the term, dream fairy, ever again.

Today, I wore a white polo without tucking it into my pants. Yesterday, I wore a grey polo and tucked it into my pants. That's the difference between Lame Thursday and Party Pants Friday.

Who hit into the most double plays in their career?

Last entry's answer was Houston.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


It's tourney time! More than half of my day at work for the next few days will go towards researching teams in the first round. It is mandatory that I win my group. Last night was the first time ever that I have talked smack and said a dirty word. Ok, I made that up. I never say dirty words.

I did stuff this past weekend.

This morning I decided to test myself and determine just how deep of sleep I can put myself into. At about 10:10 am the test was finally wrapped up and graded. Well, I passed with an A+. The boss gave me a F and some random person coming back from lunch gave me a C. That should average out to be a C. That's passing.

The old guy with the loop earring at the skip shop shook my hand again. Went to drop my skis off for the summer wax and wanted to chat about Wolf Creek. I told him they had snow. We concluded the 46 second conversation with handshake. He made me feel like a real man. My last sentence made me feel like a school boy.

Went to the antique store. Bought some old albums. The Charlie Daniels Band, Seals and Croft, The Marshall Tucker Band, and Bread to be exact. Framed the album covers in special frames. Hung the framed albums on my wall in the shape of a square.

Some kid in the passenger seat of a Scion stared me down this morning.

Last week I excited myself so much that I had to text my friend and tell her. I beat a song on hard on Guitar Hero. My fingers have never hurt so much. Ever. I've never felt like a dork so much either.

Gob: So, did you see the new Poof?
Michael: [quickly shutting the door] His name’s Gary. And we don’t need any more lawsuits, okay?
Gob: No, I was talking about the magazine... Wait. Gary's gay? Uh-oh. He's gonna think I was coming on to him..

[flashback to earlier that day]

Gob: [to Gary] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [watching Gary climbing to reach a shelf] I'd kill for that ass.
Gob: [with Gary sitting on him in the chair] ok, the chair's not doing it now, but whenever I...
-Arrested Development

  • I didn't proof read.

What American city produces most of the egg rolls sold in grocery stores in the United States?

Last entry's answer was peas.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

how fast will that wheelchair go?

I pulled a fast one on the badging lady today. She had to be pretty darn impressed with my amazing skills that I stubbornly displayed for her. "I'm going to need you to read the entire page and then sign here to signify that you read and understood everything." "The entire thing? Ok." Three seconds later, "Where do I sign?"

A girl at work has the best nickname probably ever given out to a fellow employee, ever. We call her Juicy.

I should be written up or beaten. Just got back from my daily deposit to the porcelain throne and felt pretty bad about what I had just done. Being the selfish person that I am and wanting the most from my experience I felt it necessary to use the widest stall, which would be the handicap stall with the door that opens in the opposite direction. While I was in there I enjoyed the comfort of the arm rests (handicap handrails) and the luxurious space available to me. During my precious alone time I began to wonder how in the world these guys do it. I mean, they have to have tremendous upper body strength to arrange themselves in this confined space. It would take me years to learn how to function in the handicap toilet if I was in a wheelchair. So as I was finishing my business I felt pretty inspired by just the daily functions that handicap people perform everyday. I then leave my extra wide stall to end my restroom experience and wash up. That’s when I see it. Oh yeah, a wheelchair was sitting outside the normal non-handicap stall. I had heard someone come in earlier and thought nothing of it. That was until I saw the wheelchair. I managed to make the life of a handicap man more difficult. As I was washing my hands I considered yelling out "I'm sorry for taking your stall." Then I thought that would be awkward, so I quickly washed my hands and left in silence. Hopefully he couldn't see my shirt through the space where the door meets the stall wall.

Mom called the other night and needed some pressing information for filing their taxes. She was asking me how much my books cost during my last semester. I told her that I'd have to do some number crunching and call her back. 45 minutes later I call her back and said that the books cost me about $234,650. I hung up swiftly. Our entire family will probably get audited very soon.

Juicy keeps talking in French and I have no idea what she is saying. Most of the time I just pretend and nod my head.

What hit the market alongside spinach as the first frozen veggies?

Last entry's answer was "Amen".

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

that face on the milk carton

If I ever go missing I would like a picture of me in snow goggles to be put on the milk carton.

Mom wants me to make a DVD with the pictures of the ski trip. Since I forgot to ask her what songs she wants me to use I'll probably just use Metallica, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and Hannah Montana. No wait, I dislike Hannah Montana. Make it The Cure instead of Miss Montana.

The roommate has become more and more wimpy over the past 6 months. Now, he can't handle the Crest White Strips. "My teeth hurt, why are they so sensitive." I told him before that he wouldn't be able to handle them like I could. Sometimes I wonder if I'm immune to pain.

Everyone else in America got snow this weekend except for Houston. I want a refund.

Last night we watched two episodes of Arrested Development Season 2. I could only hear one of the episodes. During the first one I was eating nachos, the crunching of chips in my head made it difficult to hear. It was only the Christmas episode, which means nothing to me in March.

A picture for your suffering. You're over halfway finished. Way to go reader.

Suspenders at work has becoming increasingly annoying over the past six months. I think he's jealous of me. I'm a good 30 plus years younger and probably make the same as him. Is that why he always pops his suspenders at me?

Last night was the Live Fantasy Baseball Draft 2008. I totally mopped floor with my picks. No picks from the Diamondbacks because they wear the color purple. Only players that wear red, black, dark blue, grey, and white can play on my team.

Ernie Capadion: Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way.
-A League of Their Own

What word appears exactly 773,692 times in the King James Bible?

Last entry's answer was Roger Clemens.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

i smile like the sun

Mom just emailed me the pictures from the Olan Mills portrait session we had on top of the mountain. Oh yes, we had family pictures taken by a "professional" photographer on top of the mountain about 36 feet away from the unloading ski lift. I couldn't have been more ticked in my life. "Ok, we're meeting at the top of the lift to get some family pictures taken. It might be the last time we're able to do this as a family. So meet up there first thing." I get off the lift, swing my head around super quick and didn't notice a photographer, so I darted out of there. "Come back Matthew!" Uh oh, got the full name on that. They caught me on the second ride up.

"Ok, I need you to go over there, take your skis off, and come stand over here. Bring your skis too. We want to use your skis in the picture." What!? We have to pose with skis now? "Those goggles aren't going to work." "Why not?" "They cover your entire face." "Good." So she pulls out the magic bag of Wal-Mart sunglasses. Then managed to pick out the worst pair of sunglasses in the the history of sunglasses. "I think these will do just nicely." My sister got the pair of Oakleys.

"First I need all four of you to stand in a line. Daddy, Brother, you hold these two skis. Mother, Sister, hold this pair. Everybody smile." I'm thinking, ok, I can fake a smile for this stupid pose. I don't like it, but ok. "Now, for the second." Another one!? Seriously!? "Sister, I need you to lay on the ground. No, no, on your side. Everyone else take a knee behind her. Daddy, Brother, get on either side of Mother." The pissed off factor is starting to rise. This is getting a little ridiculous. Taking a knee with a ski boot on is not a very easy task to do. Plus as we've gone over in the past, taking a knee pretty much sucks. Not comfortable, knee gets wet, and looks stupid. This picture only received a half smile.

"Ok, ok, for the last pose we need Daddy to lay on the snow on his tummy." Holy crap! I know where this is going. The pissed off factor is going through the roof now. "Brother, you do the same. Lay down right beside Daddy." My reaction is to just stare off at the mountains like I'm a deaf kid. "Brother, I'm going to need you to lay on the snow next to your Dad." "Uhh..." You're never getting this frown to turn upside down now. "Ok, Mother I need you on top of Daddy." Ok...hang on...time out. No dirty thoughts here. This is just a family picture pose. "Sister, you do the same to Brother." I'm on the snow with my sister sitting on top of me while dad and I have are hands on top of my ski which is right in front of us. I'm pretty sure snow is melting all around because I'm ticked off to the nth power. "Ok, Brother I'm going to need you to smile. 1...2...Brother, smile." People are coming off the ski lift enjoying a great laugh and taking their own pictures of us. Thank goodness I'm wearing these cheap sunglasses and no one will ever recognize me. "We'll be finished as soon as Brother smiles. 1...Brother I'm gonna need you to smile." She finally gave up. I put my skis on and left. Didn't see the rest of the family till lunch that afternoon.

Why must people talk louder on cell phones than office phones?

People who write about their blog in their blog are idiots. My blog is too good to do anything like that. I would never write about my blog in my blog.

Was that post make any sense? Don't answer that.

In honor of the using steroids. Who is the only pitcher to win six Cy Young Awards?

Last entry's answer was USA/Mexico.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

skiing up hill

Skiing was awesome. With a capital a. The new skis pretty much made me one of the elite skiers on the mountain. Since I was going so fast no one could admire how awesome the new skis looked. Except for that ski lift operator. "Sweet skis man. How are they?" "They ski," I said.

I was only jealous two times during the entire trip. The first was when the roommate texted me to tell me he was having crawfish. I told him I was eating snow. Think he got jealous then. The second was when I didn't get to ride the lift with that good looking snowboarder chick. Instead, I got the two old married locals. Who sat on either side of me. Couldn't sit to just one side but had to split me. I felt like a third wheel for a few minutes.

My sister had fun playing with the icicles. At one point I caught her making sword noises. She's in her twenties.

I never in my entire life knew that blowing up an inner tube and sliding down a snow covered hill on top of it could be so much fun. I probably reached mach 1.43 in about 13 feet. After the short ride down the hill I had to hike a marathon with 30 lbs of snow around my ankles back up the mountain to repeat the excitement. It was like having a birthday party and being sent to the principals office all wrapped into one sweet package. My lungs would like to give an unthank you to the Rocky Mountains for having such thin air.

Wart removal: What an annoying task. This is my first wart in the history of my life and it has become quite the pain in the rear to get rid of it. Not only does the medication I put on it start to destroy the wart it makes the skin around the wart peel. I'm never playing with frogs again.

Working on Saturday is the pits. After working here for six full months I receive my first 40 hours of vacation time. After working the full year I get my second 40 hours of vacation. On February 20 I completed 6 months and was rewarded 40 hours of vacation. Five days later I put those 40 hours to good use. Well, now that I'm working Saturday, 32 hours were put to good use. I didn't do anything at work. It was so quiet in there that I turned the tv on. Duke made a crazy comeback and beat NC State.

While skiing on the last day I was proud of myself for getting in trouble. I got yelled at for skiing too fast. "Hey Buddy! Slow down!" as I skied right through the beginner ski lift line leaving melted snow in my trail.

Now three quotes by unknown authors.

"If you aren't crashing, you aren't skiing." - Author Unknown

"When it comes to skiing, there's a difference between what you think it's going to be like, what it's really like, and what you tell your friends it was like." - Author Unknown

"Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport." - Author Unknown

to come on the ski trip. Hold your breath.

What two countries are separated by the Tortilla Curtain?

Two entries ago answer was Watt.