Thursday, December 27, 2007

back for a little while

Christmas did me right. Then I paid for it last night by playing Guitar Hero till my fingers bled. They hurt now. The only good to come of this is that the game confirmed that I rock.

That was me skiing two years ago. Hopefully I still have it in me. This will be the first time I've seen real snow in a few years. I'm going to make two snow angels and throw 7 snow balls at my roommate for every person that comments on this post.

Tomorrow I have a flight that leaves at 6:20 am. I'm only worried because I've never heard of the airline. They do have a picture of a brown bear on the tail. Hope the person that sits next to me is a chatter box because I'll be drinking three venti sized coffees from Starbucks in the morning.

I saw a cute girl at the store yesterday so I decided to acquire an interest in the items she was gazing at. She turned out to be very young, freshman in college or high school senior, which I picked up on through various words in our conversation. "Daddy...School...OMG!...Sleep overs...Christmas break" I soon lost interest in what she was looking at.

Last Friday, day after by birthday, I was the recipient of two City of Houston citations. One, driving without headlights on. Two, failure to report a change of address within 30 days. Roberto must have pissed in Officer Harry's coffee that morning.

Be back next year. Happy New Year!!

What British Commonwealth nation has the most people driving on the right side of the road?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

merry christmas

Merry Christmas

Will be back sometime after Christmas.
Last entry's answer was 9:56 am.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

it's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Happy Birthday to Me.

Today I'm exempt from writing any blog post whatsoever. If that word is misspelled it doesn't matter because it's my birthday.

What time was I born?

Last entry's answer was Casey Kasem.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Welcome back to another post.

Bullet points.

  • I'm thinking of changing my ring tone to a fart noise.
  • Why does my title picture keep screwing up?
  • I will never put another poll up again. Ever.
  • I had another pb&j sandwich and a cupcake, which I stole from my roommate, for lunch today.
  • Green is my favorite color.

Why are bald heads so shiny? All other skin on the body has nothing on the shininess of a bald head. What if tops of hands were that shiny?

Backgammon is a stupid game that I don't understand. Putting checkers on a cloth playing board with giant arrows does not equal a good time. It only frustrates me. Try sliding a checker that has groves over felt.

1 more day till every one's favorite day on the calendar year. Then 9 more days till Ski Trip 2007/2008.

Another pat on the back please; day 7 in a row for being on time.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.
-Christmas Vacation

What countdown deejay intones: "keep your feet to the ground, and keep reaching for the stars"?

Last entry's answer was M and K.

you're my boy blue

Mop Lady strikes again with her big blue, mop looking, pusher broom. It's no mistake when she begins her trek back to my little corner. I can hear her coming like an old lady trying to run with a walker. Once she reaches destination, my little corner of space, she shakes that nasty Cabbage Patch doll head and circulates dust only in my region. Why Mop Lady?? Now I want to take my eyeballs out and soak them in my cup-o-water for a little cleansing. I think I sneezed 8 times in a row then had that irritating sneeze that just wouldn't make it out.

Birthday Countdown 2007 is at 2.

"Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes. Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart!" I heart this song.

If anyone feels like congratulating me, now is a good time. This is the 6th day in a row for being on time to work. I think they are considering me for an award at the end of January.

Someone put a camera on top of the traffic light and continues taking pictures of me when I go under it. I know this because I see it flash every time I speed up and try to stretch the yellow light a few more seconds.

Last night I cooked bacon only because my roommate had already eaten and he loves the smell of it. I also learned that he prefers a tall glass of milk with a steak instead of water or sprite.

"It's that time, Christmas time is here
Everybody knows there's not a better time of year
Hear that sleigh, Santa's on his way
Hip, Hip Hooray, for Christmas Vacation

Gotta a ton of stuff to celebrate
Now it's getting closer I can't wait
Gonna make this holiday as perfect as can be
Just wait and see this Christmas Vacation"
"Christmas Vacation" - Christmas Vacation Theme Song

What two letters are both symbols for 1,000?

Last entry's answer was glasses.

Monday, December 17, 2007

that's all I have to say

I made two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches this morning and now I'm not that hungry. Since I don't want the co-workers to think I'm a wimp will eat both of them. Really wish I wouldn't have put so much peanut butter on that first one.

Someone left a game open on their computer here in the office. I keep hearing outdoor noises. Birds chirping and crows...crowing? Yeah, crows crowing, doing their thing. It's probably that deer hunter game. It reminds me of sitting in the deer stand.

I made it to work at 6:50 this morning. I'm a roll. Working 10 hour days so I can have Friday off. Gotta make it to Mississippi before the haircut lady leaves.

It's time to start the birthday countdown. Three more days till my big day. I hope someone gives me a pat on the back this afternoon.

This weekend I saw a comedian and he wore a blue shirt. He was funny. I laughed a combined total of 12 minutes and 34 seconds.

Mary: Can I help you with anything?
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing.
Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?
Clark: Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
Mary: Because it's cold out?
Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.
-Christmas Vacation

Short, stupid post today. I would hate reading my blog if I didn't write it.

What was Miami quarterback Bob Griese the first NFL player to wear in a game, in 1977?

Last entry's answer was 61.

Friday, December 14, 2007

shower games

There's one guy here at work that always speaks to me at the wrong time, and thank goodness it's only one. The only time I see Mr. Awkward is in the bathroom. Carrying on conversations in the bathroom is not the way to strike up a friendship. It smells, I want to get in and get out as fast as possible. No, Mr. Awkward has to talk about the day, ask where I'm from, and then inform me on the recent weather trends in the greater Houston area. First .2 second pause in his speech and I'm outta here. Crap, he caught me, during the exit I had to hold the door open because he continued to talk. Let me do my business and leave. I'm certain there's a Man Law against saying more than three words in the bathroom. "Sup?" You're done, end of conversation, no eye contact required.

It blows my mind at how old astronauts are. We're sizing some up in the lab and they practically hobble in on walkers and wheelchairs. Umm, are you going to be able to float around during that space walk without having a cramp or heart attack? Their hair better not fall out in my suit. Haven't quite understood why they can't be good looking either. Requirement to be an astronaut: Old and homely looking.

Am I a geek?

I tried to play basketball in the shower last night. Empty body wash bottle, glass door, trashcan, basketball season. Add all those together and you get the final shot in the last 1.4 seconds of the championship game, down by 2. Size up the shot...aim...shoot. Brick! I lose. I blame it on still having tight muscles from the work out. Yeah, that's it. I'll never work out again when the body wash is getting low.

Why is "Picture of Matt" dominating the Christmas poll? I mean come on, a picture of me? What's wrong with you people? Can I make an entire paragraph with nothing but questions? Wonder if this has ever been done in the history of blogging? Are we witnessing history in the making or is this just bonkers?

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

What's the maximum number of answers on a single Jeopardy! show?

Last entry's answer was I Love Lucy.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

christmas singing

Look who's at work super early this morning. I have a picture of Santa hanging in my office that I touch every morning for good luck. It's a truly uplifting experience.

I like how the word "exit" is both a noun and a verb.

Ok, here it goes. Twelve Drummers Drumming, Eleven Pipers Piping, Ten Lords a Leaping, Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids a Milking, Seven Swans a Swimming, Six Geese a Laying, Five Golden Rings, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Whoa.

I'm counting down my birthday starting today. Eight more days. Everyone else should probably join in on this and then send multiple gifts.

I wish I had one of those December calendars that has the chocolates for each day. In college, my roommate had one. Me and the other roommate figured out how to steal the chocolates without opening each day. We took most of the chocolates. He called the store, manufacturer, and supplier about this issue. They only gave him the runaround.

This week is dessert week at work. Earlier I was explaining this bodacious event to Utility Al through email and kept typing desert. He never understood. Anyways, today I brought two sweet potato pies. Mmm, I hope they're gone within a matter of 17 minutes. That would be such an inspiration with the holidays coming up.

Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
-Christmas Vacation

What was the first U.S. sitcom to be exported to Britain?

Last entry's answer was Albert Einstein's.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

crap, not again

The weekend was lazy. I was late for work again this morning. 10:20 today. Looks like another long night in the office. If anyone wants to get me an alarm clock, that would be great.

Saturday night I went to a church Christmas program that was bigger than any circus I've ever been to. There were elephants and camels in the sanctuary. OMG. That was probably the 2nd loudest audience I have ever sat in where the audience was supposed to be quiet. The girl in font of me dropped her glass bottle, some kid in the back row dropped something about 23 times, there were approximately 457 sick people coughing, sneezing, and snorting, and then 48 crying babies. For the record, I've never been to a circus.

The girl at The Cheesecake Factory was a jerk. Her body language told me that she did not want a tip. I made sure she got her wish. It was a small one.

Christmas in Houston equals hot. So much for conserving energy, I turned on the air conditioner. That name doesn't make sense to me, air conditioner. If I could rename it I would call it a roomerator. That word is derived from the terms refrigerator and a living space.

I think I'm going to buy a new car. Keep the X-terra for when I don't feel like shaving and get a Cadillac CTS for when I wear a suit, shave, and comb my hair. Seriously, I'm test driving one on Friday.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
-Christmas Vacation

What physicist's last words were not understood because his nurse did not speak German?

Last entry's answer was Canada.

Friday, December 7, 2007

finally friday

Ok, who keeps picking pictures of Matt for a Christmas present?

I got a few emails today that just seemed too good to be true. First off, there's a guy overseas who is in the military. It seems he found a ton of money and wants me to help him get it back to the States. He was in the process of raiding a home and then bam, there's a lot of money. He's a solider fighting for our rights and I feel it is my duty to help him. He needs me to send some account info and hold the money till he gets here. I feel like such a good citizen. It keeps getting better. I won a lottery in New Jersey. It's a super small one but still it's a couple thousand dollars. I've never been there but apparently I won some big bucks up north. I'm declaring today my lucky day.

The shuttle keeps being put on delay. If I have to work on a Friday night, Saturday, or Sunday I will scream, yell, and pull hair.

What keeps me keeping on while sitting in traffic is spotting trucks with Nike stickers in the back window. The roommate began this incredibly amusing adventure when he brought home the story of the Nike tailgate. So far I'm in the lead with most Nike sticker sightings. Saw one on my way to work this morning which pushed me past him by one. People will kill for Nike around these parts.

I couldn't be more excited about Friday. On Saturday night I'll be watching a Christmas program at my roommate's parent's church. (I guess you can have two possessive nouns in one sentence.) Time to pull out the Red Santa Sweater. My favorite part is the beard, it feels like cotton balls.

I usually store my Nike Cleats in the covered basket on top of my car/truck/suv. Not any more.

I watched Christmas Vacation again last night. Anyone want to join in next time?
Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents.
-Christmas Vacation You shouldn't have brought presents.

What country supplies three-quarters of the world's maple syrup?

Last entry's answer was Sacramento.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

can't wake up

I rented a movie at Blockbuster on Saturday night. The check out guy wasn't very nice. He looked to be in his 30s. Of course I wouldn't be happy working there in my 30s. That's no reason to snap at Jr for asking about Pirates of the Caribbean III though. "It's not out yet. It'll be out when it's out." While pointing to the board behind him. Anyways, the most shocking thing was when he told me the days my movie was due back. That's right days, with a S. My movie was due on two separate days, Monday and Tuesday. That's just bizarre.

Thanks Utility Al for the "Being in Your Wedding" present. I used the tool to get my zipper down. It was stuck.

Over the weekend a large number of friends back in Mississippi got together to go out to eat. I wanted to go but didn't. So the best thing I could think of was to send some pictures of myself to Utility Al and get him to print 'em, take 'em to the restaurant. (I like saying 'em instead of 'them', feels like home. I'll never use 'them' again.) He did and posted 'em onto a folder so they'd stand up better. Not only was my picture present but they sat in the chair next to My Future Wife. Apparently she was too over taken with emotion due to my absence to let 'em sitting alone in the chair. She then decided it would be best to burn the picture to relieve the pressure of seeing my beautiful face. I'll be home soon My Future Wife. Please take your mask off when I get there.

I have to stay at work longer than usual today. Once again I couldn't wake up. The alarm went off at 5:45 and I woke up at 7:56. Why can't I just get up? Will someone come wake me up every morning.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold:Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace. [Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

I hope this post made some sense. It didn't to me.

What California city did the last Pony Express ride end in?

Last entry's answer was pork.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

picture post

Martini did this so now I want to because I think she's cool. Plus it's an easy post that requires little to no thinking.

Instructions: You must type the answer to each question into a Google Image search, then pick an image from the first page of results.

1. Age at next birthday: 24 (she's kind of hot)

2. Place I would like to travel: New Zealand

3. My favorite place: Good ole Smokey Mountains. I'd kill to be there right now.

4. My favorite objects: Hmm....ipod of course.

5. My favorite food: Crawfish, pucker up.

6. My favorite color: Guess what color.

7. My nickname: This is Matty the Blade. I usualy don't ever have "the Blade" added on but, it does manly up the name. Guys aren't allowed to say Matty. That's just weird.

8. The place I was born: Somewhere in Mississippi.

9. Ideal date: Gotta put her in there somewhere.

10. Where you hope to be in five years: Thinking of giving up the space industry and living in Colorado, Montana or Wyoming doing who knows what. What a life.

What uncooked meat is a trichina worm most likely to make a home in?

Last entry's answer was the Dallas Cowboys.

Monday, December 3, 2007

it's getting hot in here

I hung up a sock for Christmas.

Today I really wish I had invented Powerball. Who decided to start Powerball? "Hey Paco, can I borrow 6.2 million dollars to give away?" Ummm... "No, no, people will pay me money to guess 6 numbers and win the money."

This morning I found a new feature on my alarm clock's snooze. The snooze will turn itself off after so many snooze resets. I was late for work. Again.

In our NASA drawings at work we have to reference materials and parts with a cage code. Each cage code is assigned to individual companies. On my drawing I had to put a cage code in for a specific part. Apparently I made a typo on this cage code, replacing what should be a S with a 5. As a result the new cage code with the 5 was referenced an adult store.
Cage Code 49S503 = NASA Material Store
Cage Code 495503 = Adult Super Store (This is the code I put on the drawing)
One of the head guys brought this to my attention. I asked him why an adult store was in our system. Head Guy said, "Maybe someone needed some lube."

Well after four paragraphs of thinking about I've decided to let you in on the secret. I did not wear the space suit Friday, did not don the suit. Instead I only halfway put it on. Got the LCVG (Liquid Cooling Ventilation Garment, the white garment with the tubes) and the LTA (Lower Torso Assembly) on, waddled over to the HUT (Hard Upper Torso, the chest part) and started sliding my way upward. Got one arm in, the other in, and head, then it ended. I was beginning to get stuck. Wait, was stuck, couldn't go any further. I was thinking to myself, how do these astronauts do this with no gravity? This is tough! After some more pushing and even more pushing, it became obvious there was no way I was going to make it in. "Look guys, I'm not going, it's too small." I mean, I'm not a fat guy or anything, athletic build body type. Broad shoulders, because I do work out, ladies. So I pull out and they went looking for a large HUT, because obviously the medium wasn't going to fit my muscular torso.

Thanks to about 4 of us learning how to size the suit we screwed up my size. I'm apparently a large HUT size. That's right ladies, I've got the muscular chest. So the tech comes back to inform us that the large HUT is gone and in use somewhere else. I'm standing there in the astronaut pants burning up because this thing is freakin hot. That's what the LCVG is for, to cool down the person inside the suit. These things are very well insulated. So I'm told after about 5 minutes of standing there that I can take them off, sweat running down my face like a fat kid trying to wear a space suit. I get everything off, put my clothes back on and go sit in my corner and sulk. Ok, I didn't do that but I wanted to. What a day.

Does that suit make my butt look big?

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
-Christmas Vacation

What team hired the NFL's first professional cheerleading squad, in 1972?

Last entry's answer was fear of vomiting.