Tuesday, July 31, 2007

tuesday III

Tonight is softball night. It better not rain. I predict that the girls will combine for an .899 average while the guys will bat a cool .750. If these do not hold true I'll probably sell all my softballs to Billy in 4-C.

Yesterday I realized how cool my signature really is. I signed off on some food and paused a brief second to admire how Hollywoodish my "John Hancock," as Old Guy would say, looked. I don't know if that sentence made sense or not. Other interesting Monday adventures:
1. Got an expensive oil change.
2. Had lunch with Father Rob.
3. Sat in waiting rooms for a total of 3.5 hours.
4. Talked to The Girl twice.
5. Replaced the air in my tires with nitrogen. Now I have those cool valve stem caps with the green N2 on them. By the way, green is winning on the poll. I could not be more excited.
6. Let Dakoda (the not so small chocolate lab puppy) eat out of my mouth.
7. Chatted it up with the girl in the window at the bank.
8. Looked up river guiding jobs. I've changed my career path as of yesterday. Not growing the beard for nothing.
9. Made up some Man Codes to help The Girl understand men.

Old Guy is back today. I missed him yesterday. I didn't mean that. Heart Breaker Dan left me here alone with Old Guy. He's probably staring down college girls right now.

My new favorite ring tone that I recently obtained:
"I'll be ready
I'll be ready
Never you fear
No don't you fear
I'll be ready Forever and always
I'm always here"
- Baywatch Theme Song by David Hasselhoff

Ashley. I promised that I'd mention her this week.

Don't look this up. How much time did Jonah spend in the belly of the whale?

Last entry's answer was Switzerland.

Monday, July 30, 2007

scream, don't paddle

The rafting trip inspired me. I grew a beard. New Guy told me that I'm going to look like a man before too long. I hope he's right.

Friday was a long day. In Atlanta I've never gone so short a distance in so long of time. Except when I went to Houston. Why is it that old people don't listen to the radio when traveling in a car? Ten joyful radio free hours. I should have sang, then maybe something would have been turned on. Excitement did happen when we got lost. Then once the X on the map was found we were unable to enter our castle due to not knowing where the key was. That wasted a good hour and a half. I slept on a pull out couch that night, it was springy.

Saturday we attempted to conquer the mighty Chattooga. Fortunately for the river we had a self guided raft. I took my turn half way down and totally impressed the experienced guides. The guys being paid got stuck, I did not. I should quit my day job to become a guide. I'm serious and now have a beard to help further my dream. To see me not guiding click here. I'm in the front smiling and waving while not paddling.

Sunday was the longest day of my life. Not really, it still only lasted 24 hours. It began by being woken up by five chatter bugs. I did not talk for at least two hours that morning. The river had been waiting patiently for me all night. There was a guide in our raft this morning, lucky us. I wanted to throw the tall guy out of our boat. He chose the male guide over the super cute female. She's now my new crush, I don't know her name but do know she goes to Clemson. I was nervous, we watched Deliverance the night before. Way later in the trip I managed to impress the whole group again by doing a flip off the large jumping rock. The tall guy had to copy me in hopes to impress the super cutie he passed on. He failed.

I need to find the guy that was clipping his finger nails the other day. Mine are getting long.

After owning the river the fun part began. Ten hour drive back to Jackson, Mississippi. Once again, no radio. I was excited. Not really. I think Atlanta wanted to take a Sunday afternoon drive along with us. Nothing else exciting happened.

What is Europe's most mountainous country?

Last entry's answer was Steve Martin.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

mucho work

Tomorrow I leave for the rafting trip. I'm beginning to get a little nervous. Don't think that filming Deliverance 2 is such a good idea anymore.

Old Guy isn't here. The more I think about it, he reminds me of the character Dwight from The Office. No one wants to work with him, he's a know it all, his jokes are horrible, and he enjoys barber shop quartets way too much. I think he makes up the work that he does here. Yesterday afternoon he was freaking out because he would be on the road and leave me here with nothing to do. Its not like I do anything when he's here anyway. So he gives me a big sheet of paper with mucho (that's Spanish for many) items to keep me busy. "If you can get even half of this done tomorrow that would be a great start for us both." I finished it all yesterday afternoon. He probably crapped a brick when he saw it this morning.

I can hear someone clipping their finger nails in another cubicle. That's not cool.

Today I was surprised when I was allowed to take a road trip with Heart Breaker Dan. It only lasted for the morning, but it was nice to leave the desk for a short time. This trip was to check the water pressure on a new sprinkler system supply line. Increase pressure, check gauge, wait two hours, make sure no pressure loss, go home. Easy as pie. Heart Breaker Dan loves to look at the women. Whenever we would pass a pretty woman the car always happened to slow down. "Accelerator must be stuck, its acting funny," as he would stare a hole right through her.

"When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'" - Rodney Dangerfield

Who's been Saturday Night Live's most frequent host?

Last entry's answer was I-90.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Don't ask about softball...This morning an ant was walking across my desk, I smashed it with my fist out rage from last night's game.

My experience in the restroom moments ago was anything but exciting and regular. I don't mean I wasn't regular. I am regular, but I just didn't need to at that moment. I should change my word usage. The restroom experience was not normal. A random guy in uniform walked in, looked at the wall, then left. I don't understand why. Continuing on, I made my way to the mirror and noticed that the collar on my shirt is rather large. It makes the rest of me look stupid. I'll never wear this shirt again. Maybe I could sell it for $7 on craigslist.com.

That was the worst paragraph ever written in the the history of paragraphs.

Old Guy just slammed his phone down on accident then picked it up to tell whoever was on the line that he was sorry. It was quite the event to hear. Soon after, he yelled my name for me to join him in his cubicle. There he asked if I knew how to do something on the computer, which I pretended to not know what a computer is, because it makes for more interesting instructions. To show me what to do Old Guy says, "Come, look over my shoulder." I chuckled. Apparently they think I'm an idiot when it comes to doing any type of work, especially using the computer, filing, or making copies. They always watch over my shoulder and explain everything in baby steps. I have an aerospace degree for crying out loud. What's that small thing connected to the computer box with the two buttons and wheel??

The girl who I named Sweet Lamb has turned me down for a kissing picture. I've never been turned down for a kiss. I might have made that up. But she did agree to a kiss on the cheek. I think I'll do the quick turn so I'll get the full lip to lip action.

Check this cool thing I found while surfing the web. www.coldpole.com

What interstate highway connects Boston and Seattle?

Last entry's answer was Joseph Stalin.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

tuesday II

Tonight is softball. If it rains I will probably have the team come over for a slip 'n slide event. It better not rain, I don't want to have to go buy the stuff for the event. If we don't beat tonight's team by at least 14 points I will give everyone who votes on the poll a five dollar bill. Maybe.

I'm glad to report that the blog is making progress. The poll actually has votes and the very first negative comment was recorded this morning on yesterday's post. Miss know it all wasn't as bright as her mom told her she was. I accidentally corrected the negative post in the comments.

Today is also My Future Wife's birthday. Last year she spat on me because I didn't acknowledge this day. She didn't really spit, but it had the same affects, almost. So earlier I called to make peace and wish her a joyful day.

Three more days till the rafting trip. I plan on taking the video camera and filming Deliverance 2. I'm not even nervous.

"Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The cars had smashed so hard
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"
-Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by Crash Test Dummies

I'm getting sick of Father Rob answering all the questions correctly. Who was on the cover of Time most often-Winston Churchill, FDR, or Joseph Stalin?

Last entry's answer was Jupiter.

Monday, July 23, 2007

where's my ten gallon hat?

Houston is big. I've never traveled so short a distance in such a large amount of time. Cars are everywhere. It would be a great place for me to test my NASCAR skills.

The airplane trip was rough. First of all, Old Guy never showed. I was totally surprised and disappointed. He did make up for it today when he told me about a barbershop quartet that did a humorous number about Mississippi to the tune of Oklahoma. I'm way off track. The landing in Houston was the worst ever in the history of aviation. The pilot was lucky he didn't show his face as I exited the plane. On the return trip I was the next to last at boarding the plane. This was because I was chatting it up with a cute future Bulldawg who happened to be from Russia and spoke with a seductive accent. As a result of my flirtatious ways I sat between two lifeless human beings. One listened to Fantasia on his ipod, I stole a peek. The other read the entire trip. I, myself sat carelessly and cool browsing the SkyMall for high dollar alarm clocks.

During working hours I have been playing a lot of Curve Ball on addictinggames.com. The game is simple but hard. If that makes any sense. Simply hit a ball and make the computer miss it. It gets better though. Each time the ball is hit a sounds is made that compares to that of a four square ball. I love it, Tootsie probably doesn't. As the levels increase in number so do the four square ball noises. Very quickly it sounds as if I am playing four square with 20 other kids here in my cubicle.

Today I am joining the rest of the aerospace population in watching NASA TV. There's a space walk taking place right now. I hope Tootsie doesn't mind the occasional conversation between Houston and the cosmonaut.

In conclusion I want to give a shout out to the coolest family I know in Houston. Yes, those crazy Burdens from Spring, Texas. I don't think I made up my bed, sorry.

My new crush is Anna Faris, look her up. This has to be one of the longest blogs ever. The Burd said today is Mundane Monday. Which planet spins the fastest?

Last entry's answer was Marco Polo.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

jitter bug...

My goal for the day is to see how jittery I can get. Is that a word? Yeah it is. For breakfast I had a big cup of Frosted Flakes and a 20 oz white chocolate something from Seattle Drip. Haven't quit chewing gum all day. The Mountain Dew for lunch has helped and now I think I'm going to get another from the vending machine. Yeah, that will be good. Wonder if the coffee pot is empty yet? Need a new piece of gum. I've never typed so fast before in my life.

Tomorrow is the big trip to Houston. I have the red-eye, that's what Old Guy told me. I think he's jealous. It wouldn't surprise me if He showed up to pat me on the back or to make sure security doesn't hold me back. If I asked nicely he'd probably pack my stuff tonight. He's swell. Wonder if he has a barbershop quartet cd I can borrow.

I now have a new crush, Colbie Caillat. She sings, plays guitar, looks good, has a cd for sell, and is nice. Well I'm guessing she's nice. Of course she is, she's famous.

Tootsie needs to turn off the speaker when talking to an automated machine. It's getting louder each time. So is my radio player. I can't concentrate anymore.

Good news, Father Rob was stomped. That should shut him up forever. What explorer introduced Italians to spaghetti in the 14th century?

Comments are now open to everyone. Most people will either be calm, miserable, or captivated by this.

Last entry's answer was The Wall by Pink Floyd.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

barbershop quartet

Softball was rained out last night due to the rain. I'm seeing red. That came from thesaurus.com. Which means I'm mad.

Last night I saw Transformers for the first time. I expect to see it four more times. It made me a believer. Megan was my favorite character. Her accent was the greatest thing that has happened to me all year. She'll think the same about mine someday...Utility Al can't know I went to the movie, he'd probably crap a brick. Just two weeks ago I told him the movie was dumb and a waste of my money. So I took a girl from my softball team instead.

Just when I thought that today was a complete waste, Old Guy surprised me with barbershop quartet singing. First he proceeded to inform me of what it is and tell me that there are 35,000 members across the country. He is one. These elderly men compete for the number one international ranking. I want to hear the Swedish group that sings about Dixie. Then came the pinnacle of this one sided conversation, a listening example. I wanted my phone to ring.

Father Rob tells me the questions are way to easy, well that's all about to change. Father Rob will be a dad soon, I asked if I could name his kid. He said ok. This question is borrowed from Moosejaw. What is the best-selling multi-disk album of all time?

Last entry's answer was Mercury.

Friday, July 13, 2007

island life

Today is casual Friday, I wore blue jeans. Next Friday I'm going to start a new trend. Theme Friday, everyone dresses according to the theme of the week. Next week will be Man Day. I'm going to wear my football uniform with pads and a helmet. There will be guns, bats, tools and mud. I probably won't flush the toilet that day either.

Today I've decided to move to Dubai in the Persian Gulf and live on the Jumeira Palm Island. I want to own the fourth branch on the west side. From there I can watch the sunset everyday while playing paddle ball with my new Arabic speaking friends. Wonder if the waves are big there? I should take my boogie board, it would match the surroundings with its island themed print.

Old Guy asked me to lunch today, I was flattered. I then said no. Instead I sat here in the office and ate some dressing, alone. At noon the company from Houston called to chat. The guy told me I was in a box talking to four other professionals. He almost intimidated me. During our professional chat I managed to mention The Office tv show. I told them I resemble Dwight. JK. The Office part is true. Thats my favorite show off all time.

Gomez: Was she in there before you baked it? (Gomez refers to the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party) - Addams Family Values

What country boasts the largest number of Catholics?

Last entry's answer was four.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

too much excitement

I'm thinking about getting an online degree. How will they know if i'm cheating? Last night I inspired the girl. She told me I was such an inspiration and pleasure to have around. Too bad I have no idea what I said to excite her so much. She probably just wanted me to mention her on here. To make it look like I know people. I didn't make this up.

My past 24 hours have had the most excitement in a long time...
1. Signed a friend up for HOTorNOT.com
2. Watched the All-Star Game
3. Made homemade waffles with blueberries
4. Hit softballs
5. Ran from the cops
6. Got a phone call
7. I made number 5 up
8. Made two blog entries

"Come on baby lets not fight. We'll go dancing everything will be alright." - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham! My sister loves this song. Not really.

This is the worst blog entry ever.

Keeping the All-Star break alive, What's the most home runs hit by one player in a single major league game?

Last entry's answer was a net.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


The girl complained about what I had said about her. She obviously wants me to say more.

Tonight is softball. I expect us to win at least 16-2. The team will more than likely hit for two cycles plus some. Anything less will be failure.

I've added a really cool poll to the blog. Hopefully now there will be more hits. A recent study shows that people are more likely to be in a good mood after they participate in similar poles. Just doing my part to make the internet a more family friendly environment.

Last night I played some Scrabble and lost because they told me outta is not a word. I think they made that up to make me look stupid. I'll never play with them again. Today I'm going to read the dictionary so I'll be able to beat them 435 to 3. I'm predicting this whole day will be pretty boring. I'll never get to use my education, except at Scrabble. I'm a working boy, not using my degree at all.

I'm getting a bit sick of the rain. Everytime I clean my car it just rains and results in me getting the floor mats dirty. I give up

Harry: What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd: It's a love memento.
Harry: Huh?
Lloyd: The most beautiful woman alive. Her name was Mary. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran high, breasts heaved. She left this case in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. End of story.
Harry: What's in it?
Lloyd: DO you really expect me to go snooping around in someone else's private property?
Harry: Why not?
Lloyd: (Beat) It's locked.
-Dumb and Dumber

Which planet is closest to the sun?

Last entry's answer was Brazil.

satisfaction for 70 cents

This morning I consumed an American prize winning entree, the Big Texas cinnamon roll. It was named the 2005 and 2006 Automatic Merchandiser Pastry of the Year. My experience was riveting, so now I'll get one every morning and afternoon before I leave. Mmmmm.

While washing my hands in front of the mirror I was reminded how ridiculous my id badge picture is. I hate it. The id photographer must get paid to make people look bad. My offer of $7.50 wasn't enough to get him to take another one. I will never talk to him again during the entire time I work here, ever.

The lady in the cubicle next to mine (I'll call her Tootsie) has a phone that rings all the time. Yelling at her has crossed my mind. Yahoo! radio needs to update their commercials. Its the same ones over and over, somewhat annoying. Think I'll turn it up louder so Tootsie can hear.

I made Old Guy hit his funny bone. He didn't laugh. I don't think he likes me anymore.

What was a gladiator armed with, in addition to a dagger and spear?

Last entry's answer was four.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

pull my finger

How do you say gyro? For the rest of my life I will mumble when ordering one.

Today at the office...I like how that sounds, makes me sound like an adult or at least professional...the label maker was brought back to life. Besides the real labels with numbers and official stuff on them I made two special labels. The first was for my boss, it said "kick me" in big letters. The second for the girl down the hall, which said "pull my finger" in big letters. I giggled when I typed it.

The new guy at work who is at least 25 years older than me is jealous. (I just realized that I'm no longer the new guy. That's great!) He noticed today that I have a window, where he doesn't.

My softball team won 15-2 the other night. I suspect that we will win every game from here on out.

How many strings does a violin have?

Last entry's answer was Hawaii.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

rocket science

This entry would have been done about three hours earlier but for some reason I was given work to do.

I am an aerospace engineer. Most people consider that to be a position of a genius, mastering the problems of the universe. But no, I'm a rocket scientist that works for the Army National Guard, ever improving my online game skills, except those at Yahoo! bingo. Just yesterday I played the number one top game on addictinggames.com, Bloons, for a good portion of the afternoon. As I conquered the balloon popping adventure I earned about $30 which is generously given to me by the government in the form of a paycheck. It wasn't easily earned though. I had to sleep on level 47, but by 7:45 a.m. this morning I added my name to the list of champions. This is walking on the moon compared to that of the past three weeks. Week one: sat in a chair with two arm rest that swivled while watching the clock change minutes. Week two: found the feature on my chair that allowed it to adjust the height and dominated the four demo games on my phone. Week three: dominated ipod games, read the industrial outdoor furniture magazine twice, and filed four pieces of paper.

Rocket Science
1. Informal. An endeavor requiring great intelligence or technical ability.
2. Formal Office Conversation. Humor about the temporary aerospace employee doing elementary tasks in the work space.

Here at the office I'm the new guy, temporary employee to be exact. "Hey Matt, copy this, Matt put this in the computer, Matt come tie my shoe." Sounds annoying and it really is. These tasks always come while I'm in the middle of sinking a putt three under par or about to score a bingo with one chip to go. One day this aerospace engineer (not aeronautical engineer) is going to spit fire. But I do need to give fellow employees a little more credit for raising my spirits when the tasks seem to get slightly more difficult. They just remind me that it isn't rocket science. "Hey rocket scientist, should I take this raise or not?" "Can you refill the stapler rocket scientist?"

Kate: Hydrogen and Oxygen were sitting in a bar having a drink. Gold walked in and Hydrogen said Au, get outta here.
- John Tucker Must Die

What state consumes the most SPAM yearly?

Sunday, July 1, 2007