Tuesday, April 29, 2008

this blog has turned into bathroom humor, sorry

It's official. Some suit and tie just asked me where the nearest bathroom was. It's bathroom in the professional world. Take that restroom.

Still feeling sickish but still keeping on. Nothing can hold me back. Today I must keep on keeping on. Nothing's gonna stop me. She's pretty.

Went to the O.A.R. concert last night. Even though my throat hurt, I sang loud enough for 2-3 people in front of me to hear. It might have been the second best concert I have been to all year. Thank you O.A.R. for rocking the world. It was amazing.

I keep drinking water to rid the sick taste in my mouth. This has resulted in many trips to the bathroom. It is becoming quite annoying. I wish we had the family bathroom like at the movies. The one with only one toilet and sink. Instead, since that luxury doesn't exist here, I put an "Out of Order" sign on my favorite stall. Works like a charm.

I had a very embarrassing moment the other day. Someone came into the bathroom while I was, you know, doing my business. Anyways, it sounded like high heels were walking around and entered the number one stall. Being that I'm curious like a cat, I had to take a peek. I slowly lowered my head down below the bottom of the stall wall to see what was up with these shoes. Then to my surprise, he was taking a peek too. We stared at each other face to face for what seemed like eternity. What do you say in this situation? Or do you say nothing at all? After a brief 3 minute shocking stare I quickly raised my head and composed myself. Holy crap! Do quickly finish up and hope he's not a john runner or do I wait it out and hope he leaves before me. I made a wise decision and darted out of there as soon as possible. I'll never forget that face. Luckily, I haven't seen it since. Now, the sounds of high heels walking down the hall scare me.

Stink is here today. I thought my nose was stopped up but I was wrong.

What was the occupation of cotton candy machine inventor William James Morrison?

Last entry's answer was William Wallace.

Monday, April 28, 2008

i'm to cool to wear a helmet; even if i do have a beautiful head

I feel like doo doo today. But I sure don't look like doo doo. Heck, I always look good. Just today, I don't feel very good at all. I'm probably sick. If I wasn't such a loyal employee and very dedicated to doing my job, I'd be home right now, in bed.

Some lady just walked in my office area, looked around, then left. She was chewing gum and wearing a red knit jacket. If anyone reading this knows anything, tell her to watch out.

My roommate slept 13 whole hours on Sunday. Got home about 1ish Saturday morning and I went to bed and I assume he did too. Couldn't see any lights on in the living room from under my bedroom door. I got down on my hands and knees to check. Woke up Sunday morning, went to church, he was asleep. Came home, had some lunch, he was asleep. Watched the Astros, they lost, he was still asleep. Watched the race with 88 laps left, he was still asleep. 2:45 pm finally got here, he emerged from his cave. I have never seen anything like it before.

I always think it's funny when my supervisor talks about putting his "Butt Head Cap" on. This is probably not a laughing matter.

The guy, from work, that plays in the band and is supposedly a body builder always eats spaghetti for lunch. It never fails, between 10:35 and 11:00 he waddles over to the microwave, sets it and leaves. Then about 10 minutes after it's done he remembers that he put spaghetti in the microwave. Everyday. Well, a numerous amount of the days throughout the month he does this.

I got a bicycle on Friday. That afternoon I rode it for about 2 hours. Just riding and riding. Saturday I rode it all the way to downtown and around the ballpark. I only fell off twice. First, was when I was trying to jump a curb downtown. The back tire couldn't quite make it over the curb and threw me off. I probably looked like a daredevil blazing the sidewalks.

The previous paragraph sounded like a 3rd grader wrote it.

The lady in the red knit jacket is back. I don't know what to think of her. She is going to be sitting at the desk next to mine.

What brave-hearted Scottish patriot led soldiers to a defeat of the English at the Battle of Cambuskenneth in 1297?

Last entry's answer was Brutus.

Friday, April 25, 2008

restroom versus bathroom

There were too many people in the lab during a test. I volunteered to leave. It was an excellent excuse for me to leave and go back to my desk to write a blog post.

Last night I attempted to make hamburgers and failed on the buns. I thought it would be cool to have a special bun for my George Foreman burger. Well, I thought wrong. For some crazy reason, I had decided in my head/heart that a sourdough bun would be the hip thing for a hamburger. Ok, so the grocery store doesn't sell or make sourdough buns. Not a problem. The soup bread bowl resembles a very large bun, so why not just cut it into smaller chunks. Perfect. The idea was shaping up quite nicely, except that my bun was more squarish than round. Then, I sat down and began the the chow down process. First bite, all bread and cheese. Not a problem, I'll get it the second on the second round. Bite two, no meat. By the time I had reached the third bite I was tired of chewing. It was a freakin bread bowl for crying out loud. That stuff doesn't chew very well. Third bite, mostly bread and cheese with a hint of meat. Screw it, I changed buns. It was a sort of messy process but well worth it. Thank you Sara Lee for making real hamburger buns.

I like oranges but I don't like peeling them.

I'm truly wearing party pants for Party Pants Friday. Maybe I shouldn't wear these, I don't know. The problem with this particular pair is that the zipper unzips itself constantly. Walking down the hall, unzip. Sitting at my desk, unzip. It does save time when going to the restroom.

I wish they made popcorn flavored air fresheners for the restroom. Then going to the bathroom wouldn't be such torture. It would make me think of the movies. Then I would walk out and be hit with the reminder that I'm at work. Disappointment.

When is it ok to use bathroom instead of restroom?

It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun
"Ignition (Remix)" - R Kelly

Who committed suicide two years after taking a stab at Julius Caesar?

Last entry's answer was 5.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

this post is just another brick in the wall

I like the wave. I can think of no better way to prove my fanhood. It really brings a smile to my face like no other mass cheer does. Waiting...Waiting...Oh gosh, here it comes...Getting ready...Do I stand, or just stay seated and throw my arms up?...Two sections away...High pitched yell or just a manly Wooo?....Oh crap, it's here!! Then, the excitement of watching a human wave take over a stadium begins. Who doesn't love doing the wave? 40,000 plus people working together to transform an ordinary stadium into a vast ocean experience. Wish they could have inflatable surfboards that would ride the wave.

I think I screwed up this morning. Not quite sure, but I think I wore this same exact shirt 3-4 working days ago. If anyone notices, my cool guy status will be in question. This might be the end of everything great in my life. I'll probably just hide behind my monitor all day.

Batteries are another item, that I was reminded of on Monday, that I really hate buying.

Stink is definitely back and in full force. The week long vacation only made things worse. It's to the point where I'm ready for some payback. Or either a cover up. I'll bring my Fresh Linens air freshener spray can to work. This office will smell like a dryer when I'm through.

Someone made a "Young Lust" by Pink Floyd comment that made me laugh. Another peon was making a conference call and the phone ringing sounded just like the one from the song. So guy in the office next to me said, "This is the United States calling". I thought it was funny and probably no one else ever will. Now I sound like an idiot for explaining that.

Ooooo I need a dirty woman
Ooooo I need a dirty girl
"Young Lust" by Pink Floyd

How many U.S. presidents played a role in Vietnam's civil war?

Last entry's answer was January.

Monday, April 21, 2008

nothing but some cool chairs here, seriously

I'm not sure what to write about; not too much to share today. I did, however, share something with the men's room. Added some much needed reading material to the backside of the stall door. I'm sure the hard working NASA engineers will be eternally grateful for my contribution. I really don't see it necessary to celebrate for this time of giving. If everyone would just be happy that would be enough.

If my weekends were about 1 to 2 days longer I'd be much happier. Mondays should be considered to be included into weekends.

Sitting in these would comfort my back a lot more.

Stink is back. I really hope he took care of that problem while he was out all week. Still haven't pull my shirt down over my nose yet.

Suspenders keeps smiling at me with a huge grin. I'm not sure how I should react or feel about this. I just keep thinking, what would someone with good looks and a smart brain do in this situation? I've got nothing.

I think a record has been set today. Me and Utility Al have sent about 56 Monk-e-Mails between the two of us. It makes me LOL.

I just heard a dirty song on the radio. I'm torn on whether or not I should give it a thumbs up or thumbs down. Pandora's rating system isn't very sophisticated. I think that's the biggest word I have yet to write on my blog. Crap, I didn't mean to talk about my blog in my blog. I swore to never do that. I'm sorry America. I'm sorry Canada. I'm sorry England. I'm sorry South Africa. I'm sorry Australia.

I have to buy three wedding presents. One wedding was in August and the other two were in December. All three were in 2007. I'm a little late and a horrible friend. Will they still accept my presents? Should I just send a post card and some NASA stickers? The NASA stickers always seem to make people forget every wrong thing that has ever happened to them. People love free stuff. That's why I stole 200 stickers. If anyone from work reads this I'm screwed.

What is the least popular month for U.S. weddings?

Last entry's answer was Thomas Edison.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

a salty sandwich doesn't sound good

Three days in a row! Read with caution. I'm not sure why I wrote that there. It sounds dorky.

For the past two days at lunch, Coworker Who Went To That School I Can't Mention (with school colors of purple and yellow (or gold, depending on who you are) ) has screwed up his lunch. I'm thinking that he completely zones out as he approaches the counter. Day one, he couldn't remember what sandwich we had the other day, so I reminded him. It wasn't that good and the chicken was pretty dry so he didn't want it again. What does he do? Orders the exact sandwich. "I think that's the one we had the other day." "No, No, it looks different." "No, I really just think they sliced the chicken differently to throw people off." What a sucker. Very next day Coworker Who Went To That School I Can't Mention went to Subway because he's a fan of Jared. Ordered a sandwich and somehow lost it between the adding mayo stage and the wrapping/bagging it stage. He must have a lot on his mind at 11:30ish everyday. Poor guy. I hope he doesn't read this because I'm pretty sure he could beat me up if my hands were tied behind my back.

No kidney stones for me. I had to pee in a cup.

Why is Dick the shortened name for Richard?

I think my salty tooth is missing. People are constantly saying, "I just had a craving for something salty". Heck! Not me. I've never wanted something salty to satisfy a craving. My cravings are either sweet or manly. Give me candy bars or shrimp. Don't salt up my cravings.

Suspenders is sleeping at his desk again. Chin to chest style. Lucky him, he woke up as I was going to take his picture.

Someone in another office just blurted out, "Maybe we're just in a reality show and we don't know it." What if I really am? I should really clean up my non-mixed company behavior when no one is around. Who would watch this show? What's more boring than NASAtv? Uh, how about NASA engineers doing paper work! I could think of nothing more stimulating to watch.

Stink is still gone. The horrible smell is still gone.

To see the world's best means of communication, click I have never seen a monkey play a kazoo. Instead of sending boring, lame, lifeless emails I send all messages through this system. It works way better and helps to get my point across with intelligence and humor wrapped into one sweet package. Thank you very much.

Thank you for reading. See you next week suckers. Sorry for calling you a sucker and have a decent weekend.

Who averaged one patent for every three weeks of his life?

Last entry's answer was force, mass, and acceleration.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

safety hazard

Stink hasn't been here all week. And you know what, it hasn't stunk at all. Except for that one time that I farted. What? Everyone does it. Yes, even you girls.

The kidney pain is still there, barely.

Going camping next weekend. I really hope it doesn't rain. The plan is to have a campfire, marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars...Holy marsh! I never knew in my entire life that marshmallow was spelled with an 'a' and not an 'e'. I seriously thought it was a marshmellow. This spell checker really dropped some knowledge on me. Oh, and that's the only plan we have set for camping, so far.

I started a picture blog. Click, I want to see what Matt does while he's not working, to see it. Fill it full of comments so I will look halfway cool.

This quarter of the year is my turn on the safety team at work. If you ask me, I'd tell you it was a complete waste of time and probably one of the most ridiculous things ever. I had to walk around with 5 other people and recognize "safety hazards" in the workplace. Such as: shelves stacked too high, light bulbs out, tripping hazards, too many pens/pencils in a cup on a desk, messy desks, chairs not pushed under tables, drinking liquids not in sippy cups...My group did manage to find a few. There was some paper that wasn't thrown in the trash can. Whoever left their bottle of water out didn't get to finish it because of our team. If you're reading this machine shop guy, it wasn't me. People cringe when they see us walk in, well, the normal ones do. I'm actually thinking of making my desk area a major safety hazard. That will give team two, who has our building, something to do.

I missed the free $40 bike helmets at the safety fair today. I did get a tree though. Since I live in a high rise apartment, I gave the tree to a girl.

What three terms are represented in Newton's second law of motion F = ma?

Last entry's answer was fat.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

why does it hurt?

Why do they take the tops off the golf carts at the airport?

Sunday morning I woke up with a miserable pain in my left side. It hurt to walk. It hurt to stand. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to cry. I'm sure it would've if I would have cried. The first thing that came to mind was, I wonder what the other guy looked like. Then I realized, I'm not a fighter but a lover. What the heck is wrong with my side? I searched the internet to find no real source of hope for my life. I'm pretty much going to die now. The source of pain has been isolated to being kidney stones, kidney infection, pulled muscle, or a pinched nerve. Going to the doctor is out of the question. Real men don't need doctors. What would Paul Bunion do? So here it is, Tuesday, and I still have a slight pain in my side. I don't feel like working. If I could give my pain to anyone in the world, I'd give it to that guy in the weight room. The one that always drops his weights really loud. What a weirdo.

I wish I had a cowbell to ring right now.

Went to the movies Friday night but actually only saw one movie. We were there to see Smart People but I told the guy at the ticket window "stupid people" on accident, because I only halfway pay attention in life. I did not feel like a smart person then.

Saturday night I watched the most college hockey on tv that I have ever watched in the past. I'm pretty sure it was my first time ever to watch college hockey on tv. I'm also pretty sure it was the last time ever to watch college hockey on tv.

A guy here at work doesn't like the smell of popcorn. I know, crazy. Who doesn't like the smell of popcorn? Well, according to a recent highly regarded world wide survey, only 2% of the population label that as their favorite smell. Idiots. Anyways, since he doesn't like the smell, he wears a mask. Yes, an "I work outside and not in an office" mask. He looks like one of those people who have airborne diseases and can't breath on people. But yet, he wears it doing normal office duties. No slacking here, whatever it takes to keep the office running. Not me. When Stink, who sits behind me, lets one rip, I dart out of here with the intent of not returning.

If anyone wants to give me a kidney, please, email me.

"How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills"
"Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" by Paula Cole

What's the most concentrated source of energy in a diet--carbohydrates, fat or protein?

Last entry's answer was milk chocolate. Happy now?

Friday, April 11, 2008


I think my roommate had a brain fart and miss took the kitchen rag for food last night or this morning. The time of day doesn't really matter. One end of the rag was torn and frayed. It wasn't like that before I went to bed and now it just doesn't make sense. Thank goodness he didn't eat the whole thing. The green rag was my favorite.

I pick all the onions and green peppers off my frozen supreme pizza before I cook it. Why can't Digiorno make a pizza with just the stuff I like?

The wreck on the other side of the interstate this morning caused a bigger traffic jam than the side with the wreck. Why rubberneckers? I know, I know, it's extremely difficult to not look at a bunch of idiots standing on the side of the road, doing nothing and kicking bumpers. But then, miraculously once it becomes difficult to turn your head for a peek, the traffic speeds back to normal. Absolutely amazing.

Why are the doors on showers made of glass but you rarely see clear shower curtains?

I'm pretty much feeling awesome now. Sittin on top of the world. I was on time to work for the first time this entire month yesterday morning. Will I get a promotion? Probably not. Do I deserve reward? Absolutely. Was I on time this morning? Nope.

How in the heck do my earplug wires get so tangled up from just sitting on the desk top or in the drawer? Every time I want to listen, it takes me at the least 60 seconds to uncross, untie, and straighten the wires. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to cut the knots out.

I'm tired, tired, tired of public restroom toilet paper being so difficult to use. The janitors cram the largest roll into the tightest space and expect the toilet users to be able to spin the roll and accumulate enough toilet paper for use. Ok, so you get the roll to spin, then the cheap crap tears off, leaving you only a few squares to work with. I pull and pull to get myself barely anything. Life is difficult.

Another restroom paragraph. I think it would be a wonderful idea for music to be piped into the throne room. Seriously, having music will not only help the toilet user relax, but also break up the awkward silence held by two or more potty seekers.

Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
-Old School

What type of chocolate was first developed for public consumption in Vevey, Switzerland in 1875?

Last entry's answer was Babe Ruth.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

i didn't set my alarm this morning

I think the area between apartments that isn't enclosed completely should be called a walkport.

I hate when I'm typing and the shift key apparently isn't pressed completely and the letter I want capitalized isn't capitalized. I hate backspacing and am now considering typing everything in all caps.

It's funny how J and K are next to each other in the alphabet. JK.

I might get a temp to work under me. That would probably be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Wonder if I'll get to aid in the hiring of this peon? I can't believe I called that person a peon. I'm sorry world for being mean. If the hiring were up to me I wouldn't care about qualifications as long as she's hot. I probably wouldn't talk to a him.

My first cd ever was Hootie and the Blowfish, "Cracked Rear View".

So far I'm 0-7 at making the 7:30 meetings. I probably wouldn't have made it this morning anyways but I'm using the wreck at the Beltway as a good excuse. My 8:30 meeting had breakfast burritos. I didn't know how to spell burrito and had to look it up on Google.

This is a random picture that I didn't take.

Darren Erstad, an Astros bench warmer, pretty much made the worst attempt at hitting a baseball last night ever. I'm sure he's sitting on the bench wondering why he's not starting. The pitch was closer to being a pickoff at third base than that of an actual pitch. But Mr Erstad swung anyways. The Astros lost last night.

I found a new hero/role model/who I want to be when I grow up person. His American flag t-shirt tucked into black sweatpants is my favorite.

Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.
-Kicking and Screaming

I'm allowed 3 crappy posts a year. I'm taking one of those now. Hopefully the crappy links will take away from the poor writing. I'm sorry internet for taking up space.

What pitcher was taken out of his major league debut in the seventh inning for a pinch hitter named Duffy Lewis, in 1914?

Last entry's answer was Space.

Monday, April 7, 2008


I wish someone would come to my work and give me a cash tip for doing my job.

The parents came to Houston this weekend. I don't think they'll ever come back. Everything cost more, too much traffic, and they bought my meals all weekend. Since they had my bed, I had to sleep on the roommate's bed while he was gone, my back still hurts.

Jimmy Buffett comes on the 21st. I'll probably go and get my Margaritaville on.

Went to a crawfish boil on Saturday. Mmm, good! I almost cried at one point because I hit a hot bunch. I'm pretty sure I hid it pretty well, no one seemed to notice. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a wimp because the entire week before I talked a big game, claiming I was a real man.

I'm sick and tired of this online radio playing Coldplay every 2 songs. I continue to give them a thumbs down but they just won't go away.

I wore a blue polo today for my representation of the NCAA National Championship Game tonight. No one will know if I'm pulling for Kansas or Memphis. I'd rather keep it that way. Everyone wants to imitate me. This will confuse everyone and keep them off my back.

Tomorrow we're taking a group photo at work. Some lady here said she wasn't going to participate. I asked her if she was too cool. She didn't reply. Anyways, they told everyone to wear either red, white, or blue. I'm not sure why. All my blue, red, or white shirts are dirty. Do I wear a different color or a dirty shirt? This will be the hardest decision of the month so far. I'm sure we'll all look like a bunch of dorks. Hope my eyes won't be closed.

Holy crap! 7 Coldplay songs while I wrote this blog post. This post took me 2.25 hours.

The roommate slept like 15 hours from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon. I thought he was dead but I was too scared to walk in his room to find out. Thank goodness he wasn't really dead.

-Wedding Crashers

What did JFK refer to in noting: "This is a new ocean, and I believe the U.S. should sail it"?

Last entry's answer was Harry S. Truman.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

one liners

Someone used the term, "Get out of jail free card," here at work. I don't know what that means.

April is my month to attend the 7:30 meetings. So far I'm 0 - 2. I hope no one finds out.

A girl at the ski shop told me my skis were beautiful. I told her she was beautiful.

Why is sarcasm so hard to read when in the form of text?

I asked the painter at out apartment if black was the presence or absence of all color. He didn't speak any English.

I'm supposed to be working right now. I'm blogging right now.

So far this week two people have walked out of the stall without flushing. They must have had false alarms.

I suggested "Like a Virgin" by Madonna and "Area Codes" by Ludacris to be played at my friend's wedding reception.

NASA retiring the shuttle will cost us 2,300 jobs. I'm not scared, McDonald's is hiring.

Weight lifting is heavy.

Why is it called a cookie cake? Doesn't look like a cake, just a giant cookie.

Someone told me today, "I thought you were cool". I just shrugged it off.

If I don't write my password down somewhere I'll forget it. So I post it noted it to my monitor.

I think someone just farted.

I always offer the girl at my office meat from my lunch. She's a vegetarian.

Chinese food is not meant to be eaten after a microwave visit.

I'm glad it's April. That month has a better picture on the calendar.

This was the stupidest idea for a blog ever.

What U.S. president advised: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"?

Last entry's answer was Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa both did it in 1998-1999.